segunda-feira, 22 de outubro de 2012

Minha pior Luta




                                         CAPITULO VI

            Aos meus 24 anos aproximadamente, eu era mais minha mãe do que eu mesma, e no fundo...eu era ou queria ser mais mãe do que minha própria mãe. Distanciei-me de meu pai pois ele era um exemplo de atitudes e os sentimentos que me causavam o que eu não queria pra mim. Tudo o que me preocupava era minha mãe e sua felicidade e a isso eu doava minha vida e todos os meus sentimentos. Sofri e me cobrava por não poder fazê-la feliz e tira-la daquela vida de agressões e dor. Eu escolhi pegar o problema deles pra mim, crendo que seria possível fazer minha mãe feliz.... e acabar com tamanho sofrimento. Meus estudos já estavam comprometidos, pois a chance que eu tive de fazer aquilo que me colocava no caminho da veterinária que era meu sonho, era um curso técnico que desisti no meio do caminho, pois não suportava a idéia de ficar longe, já que estudava em outra cidade e não me era possível estar presente dia-a-dia com ela. Bebia com meus amigos e a vida pra mim era me divertir com eles bebendo e fazendo-os rir pra esquecer o quão era difícil viver o que eu vivia em meu interior. Meus trabalhos nunca deram muito certos também, pois em alguns, eu deixei por que minha mãe saiu de casa duas vezes pra deixar meu pai e eu tinha que cuidar da casa, e não me lembro se alguém de minha família me impôs isso, mas eu escolhia isso e abandonava minha vida. Nas duas vezes ela voltou e aceitou a promessa de que meu iria mudar e tudo seria diferente. Houve uma terceira vez e que cometi o pior dos crimes que eu poderia ter cometido comigo e contra eles...Eu exigi de minha mãe que ela escolhesse entre eu ou ele, pois não o queria mais por perto. No fundo eu o amava, mas nem eu mesma já sabia disso, pois exteriormente, eu o odiava por tudo o que ele fazia contra minha mãe. Na minha cabeça, minha mãe era a única vitima disso tudo e ele...o vilão. E em meio a tudo isso, eu me fazia de vitima de tal fato e na rua, de maneira inconsciente, eu me fazia feliz e engraçada a tudo e a todos, era a melhor das companhias pra todos, amigos, família de amigos e no todo, eu era a palhaça da roda! Contava piadas, bebia com todo mundo, era simples e em todo lugar eu me dava bem, pois eu me adaptava a qualquer ambiente e pessoas, e o que eu estava fazendo, sem ter consciência, era usar mascaras pra ser aceita de alguma forma...pelos outros e por mim mesma!Por que ali.. naquele momento.... a Cláudia...já não existia! Quanto a meu pai, eu era o calo do sapato dele, em tudo eu o reprovava e ele também sempre me machucava quando podia, pois nossa relação não podia ser pior. Eu batia de frente com ele e nas brigas, eu o enfrentava e muitas vezes apanhava, e ate piorava a situação deixando-o mais irritado e fora de si, mas eu também ficava fora de mim, e era como se eu fosse sua esposa e apanhasse dele. Costumo dizer que minha mãe apanhava todos os dias, e quem ficava com os hematomas era eu...pois ela aceitava e no dia seguinte, mesmo machucada e humilhada, ela se levantava e seguia seu dia, e muitas, senão milhares de vezes, eles ficavam bem entre eles, e eu...bem, eu ficava cada vez mais ferida e com ódio de tudo isso...Aos 24 anos de minha vida eu comecei a perceber que estava tudo errado e sabem de uma coisa...eu sentia falta de meu pai.E também estava cansada de me mostrar feliz pra tudo e todos e na verdade...ser uma farsa. Era isso o que eu era...uma farsa!Fiz terapia durante seis anos e na verdade não me serviu pra nada, pois eu tentava enganar a psicóloga que eu estava enxergando as coisas e repetia sempre a mesma coisa a ela, acho que ela não me suportava mais, e sua linha de trabalho era daquelas que o psicólogo não abre boca, sabe, e você é quem tem de falar e conduzir as sessões e poxa, aqui entre nós, eu achava um porre! Mas imagino que ela foi quem mais cansou de tudo isso e achava insuportável, pois quem em sã consciência aguenta uma menina rebelde e cheia de traumas que quer dar uma de “eu sou F...”, ou devo dizer esta palavra?Foda....?risos...Mas, ela me foi ótima, pois hoje eu vejo que ela fez por mim que ninguém mais poderia fazer...somente eu mesma...respeitar-me! Dedico essas linhas a ela, que se chamava Nadia, uma grande amiga! E mesmo contudo,eu ainda olhei pra mim e consegui ver apenas um inseto insignificante...sim! Era assim que eu me sentia...um misero inseto vagabundo e sem utilidade nenhuma, e digo, insetos tem sua utilidade, né!?Mas eu não tinha nenhuma utilidade, senão, me autodestruir. Sabem aquelas cartas bombas que vemos em filmes que o personagem abre e depois de lê-la ela emite a frase “esta caixa se autodestruirá em 10 segundos, 09, 08, 07, 06, 05, 04, 03, 02, 01.... BUMMM!”....eu era assim...e pior, comigo mesma!Senti-me um lixo, um verme que rastejava pela terra em busca de algo que pudesse terminar com sua própria existência. Algo que dava asco a mim mesmo...podre, pobre e pequeno!Aff....
            Eu nunca desejei cometer suicídio e julgava essa atitude um ato repugnante!Porem, eu fui suicida por metade de minha vida...e da maneira mais cruel. Tive de tomar atitudes e revirar meus pensamentos, sentimentos e meu passado. Mas quando resolvi olhar pra ele, eu vi um vazio imenso, um caminho escuro, sem linhas traçadas e nada escrito pra que eu pudesse me agarrar e tomar uma direção. Tudo estava errado, tudo estava confuso e obscuro. E foi ai que tive que me defrontar com meu mais negro sentimento e acontecimento;

.... o dia em que resolvi deixar de amar meu pai!

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